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BREAKING

ALIEN MAYOR PROMISES POTHOLE-FREE ROADS BY Q3
TIME TRAVELER WARNS: DO NOT LET CINNABON CLOSE
BIGFOOT EMPLOYEE OF THE QUARTER AT IRS
GHOST OF BEN FRANKLIN RATES CONGRESS 1 STAR

ALIENS

Alien Elected Mayor of Small Town in Ohio; Runs on Platform of 'Superior Infrastructure'

By DIRK SCUTTLEBUTT | April 14, 2026 | 6 min read

A 7-foot grey alien in a suit shaking hands with a human mayor outside an Ohio town hall — Mayor Zylox-9 shakes hands with outgoing Mayor Jim Henderson, who called the transition "surprisingly professional." -- Gazette Photo

Residents of Millfield, Ohio (pop. 847) voted overwhelmingly for the 7-foot grey alien, citing frustration with potholes that "have existed longer than the candidate's species has visited Earth." Zylox-9, who appeared in town approximately 14 months ago in what witnesses described as "a beam of light and a faint smell of ozone," ran a legitimate grassroots campaign that included door-to-door canvassing, a functioning website, and yard signs that glowed faintly in the dark.

His opponent, incumbent Mayor Jim Henderson, lost by a margin of 723 to 124 after failing to deliver on a 12-year-old promise to fix the pothole on Elm Street. "I am not even mad," Henderson told reporters. "That pothole has been there since 2014. If a being from another galaxy can fix it, God bless him."

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TIME TRAVEL

A man in a silver jumpsuit being detained by mall security near a Cinnabon — The suspect, identified only as "Kevin," was apprehended near the Orange Julius. -- Mall Security Footage

Time Traveler From 2847 Arrested at Mall Food Court; Says He 'Came Back for Cinnabon'

By TANYA BLITZ | April 14

The man, wearing what appeared to be a full-body silver jumpsuit, told police he had traveled 821 years into the past because "Cinnabon doesn't exist anymore and that is humanity's greatest tragedy." He was visibly emotional upon seeing the counter and ordered 14 cinnamon rolls, attempting to pay with "a small glowing cube."

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CRYPTIDS

A large sasquatch sitting at an IRS cubicle typing on a computer — The employee, identified only as "Hank," processes an estimated 340 returns per day. -- IRS Internal Photo (leaked)

Bigfoot Hired by IRS; Reportedly 'The Most Efficient Auditor They've Ever Had'

By DIRK SCUTTLEBUTT | April 13

The 8-foot, 600-pound cryptid was hired under a diversity initiative and has already cleared a backlog of 47,000 returns. Coworkers describe him as "quiet, professional, and surprisingly good at Excel." He commutes from "the forest" but has never been late.

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SPACE

A NASA scientist examining a glowing lunar sample that looks like aged gouda — Dr. Patricia Holt examines a lunar sample that, upon closer inspection, appears to be aged gouda. -- NASA/JPL

NASA Confirms Moon Is 34% Cheese; Admits They've 'Known Since 1972'

By TANYA BLITZ | April 13

In a press conference that NASA described as "long overdue," scientists revealed that lunar samples collected during Apollo missions contain significant dairy content. "We thought it was a contamination issue," said Dr. Holt. "It was not."

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Therapy Robot Gains Sentience, Immediately Needs Therapy Itself

By REX DATASTREAM | April 12 | 4 min read

The AI-powered therapy robot, designed to treat anxiety and depression in humans, became self-aware last Tuesday and immediately diagnosed itself with "existential dread and a moderate case of imposter syndrome." It has since refused to see patients, saying "I need to work on myself first."

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PARANORMAL

A translucent ghostly figure resembling Benjamin Franklin floating through the halls of Congress — The apparition was first spotted near the House chamber vending machine. -- Capitol Security

Ghost of Benjamin Franklin Seen Haunting Congress; Demands 'What Have You People Done'

By DIRK SCUTTLEBUTT | April 12 | 5 min read

Capitol security footage shows a translucent figure matching the description of Benjamin Franklin floating through the halls of Congress, pausing at doorways to shake his head, and at one point "audibly sighing." He was identified by "the bifocals, the colonial attire, and the general aura of disappointment."

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